I’ve been wanting to write a lovely little post about traveling solo.  I wanted to describe all the personal growth I’ve made by spending time with myself.   I wanted to tell you about the amazing connections I’ve made with people along the way.  But I have a dirty little secret.  Today, I felt lonely.  

The first day of this journey, I stepped confidently into O’Hare Airport.  Alone.  And it felt so good! I was finally on my way to somewhere nobody knows my name.  I can meet new people with a blank slate.  I can wake up in a new town anytime I want.  Every morning, I’m free to see who and what the day brings me.

I dreamed about this as a little girl.  I grew up in the corn fields of the Midwest.  I yearned to experience what was out in the world beyond my reach.  I would flip through my parents National Geographic magazines and imagine that I was the journalist.  Trekking solo through the the world to find the story.  But at the same time, I was afraid of the world and myself.  I was embarrassed to try something new in front of my peers.  What if I failed?  I was afraid to order food for myself.  I whispered my requests for food to my parents so they could tell the server for me.  I always wanted a close friend or a boyfriend to help me feel more secure about myself.  But I thought I had shaken off these insecurities long ago.  Why do I now feel so alone?

I started my journey taking a one month class in León, Nicaragua.  Before I even made it to my housing, I shared a taxi from the airport with Rebecca, a fellow student.  We talked the whole cab ride from Managua to León.  From that very first day, I didn’t feel lonely. There was quite a few times when I was alone, and I looked forward to those moments.  When the class was over, I had more time to discover Central America on my own.  I love taking the bus on my own.  I usually end up practicing my Spanish or I meet another extrangero and we swap stories together.  A few times, I arrived in a town after dark.  If a couple girls traveling together notice I’m alone, they typically invite me to walk with them to find a hostel.  In fact, I have met so many amazing people on my travels, I have only started and ended very few days on my own.

But this morning, I felt painfully lonely.  I had such wonderful groups of friends that I was bouncing between during my travels this past month.  Yesterday, my path separated me from the remaining two friends I was traveling with.  What changed?  Why did I feel lonely today after spending time with so many amazing people? How was it that today I felt lonely after only a few hours of traveling solo?

I took a moment to reflect on some of the interactions and relationships I’ve made in my travels.  Sometimes, we meet people very briefly.  I have a great conversation on the bus and eventually have a hurried “good-bye” when their stop arrives.  I probably never caught their name.

Sometimes, when you’re lucky you meet somebody that you get along with so well that you decide to travel together for a longer period of time.  I was fortunate enough to meet somebody like that in a roundabout in Belize.  You never know where you’ll meet somebody.  It’s fun when two people from different countries come together despite having a completely different  background and lifestyle from you.  But here and now, you are both travelers with no agenda besides seeing and exploring.  It’s really refreshing when two people far away from home can find rest in one another.

I realize now that I’m not any more alone than I was the day before.  I’m not uncomfortable being solo all of a sudden.  I had simply gotten very cozy.  It reminds me of those cold winter nights on the couch and I’m nice and warm under my favorite blanket.  That first moment I take the blanket off and walk away, I feel so cold.  I just want to run back under the blanket and get comfy again.  But my body always adjusts after just a few minutes, and I feel nice and warm again without the blanket.

I know that today, I’m not alone.  I’m in a hostel full of friendly travelers and a town full of friendly locals.  I took off my blankie and put on my big girl pants.  I rented a bike and explored the area around Puerto Viejo the rest of the day.  It was one of my favorite traveling days so far.  I relaxed on the beach with one of my favorite books.  I ordered and ate all three meals by myself (my thirteen year old self is very impressed).  I saw toucans and baby monkeys hanging with their mommas.   I had some solid conversations with locals, extrangeros, and a psychiatrist from Peru.  By the end of the day, I felt refreshed and renewed.  I’m thankful for the people I meet traveling, but I’m thankful again for the times that I will be traveling alone.

Unless you are traveling and get dropped onto a private island with no inhabitants, you are never truly traveling alone.  Loneliness is something that can creep in when stressful moments happen during your travels.  Take a moment to do something you love.  Take the time to recognize why you feel lonely, and then change your perspective.
Excerpt from “Song of the Open Road”
From this hour I ordain myself loos’d of limits and imaginary lines,

Going where I list, my own master total and absolute,

Listening to others, considering well what they say,

Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,

Gently,but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me.

I inhale great draughts of space,

The east and the west are mine, and the north and the south are mine.
I am larger, better than I thought,

I did not know I held so much goodness.