It is a beautiful, sunny day.  My Spanish teacher and I leave class early to walk to the open air market of Antigua.  She’s describing to me some of the fruits and vegetables grown in Guatemala.  She starts to tell me about the cashew apple that grows along with the cashew nut. MIND BLOWN.  I LOVE cashews.  I start walking faster.  I have got to try this fruit.  I walk up to my favorite fruit stand, and there she is.  Five quetzals for three cashew apples.  I happily pay.  I give one to my teacher, and I’m skipping home.  New fruit! Tra-la-la-la-la.  I am so so so happy.  I arrive home, and it’s lunch time.  I decide to save this fruit for a special treat later tonight.  This is totally going to make my Friday night EPIC.  

I go about the rest of my day, and I just keep thinking about this fruit waiting for me at home.  I honestly feel like it’s calling my name.  I finally am back at my homestay at 9PM, and I know that this is the moment.  I take the fruit up to the rooftop terrace.

I take a bite into the beautiful golden flesh of the cashew apple.  Hmmm. I don’t know if I like this. But it’s just the beginning of the fruit, it probably gets soo delicious once I get further in to the center of the fruit. I take another bite. It’s almost chewy. But like rubber. I chew, and chew, and chew. I feel a waxy film forming on my lips and teeth. It’s okay, I can brush them after I’m done eating though! Okay, I’m still not sure about this fruit.  Maybe I’ll take a break from the fruit and try eating this hugely overgrown cashew nut. It’s hard and tough to bite into. But I wish it was MORE difficult to bite into, because it is quite bitter. That’s okay though, I still have this beautiful fruit to take a bite into. Oh dear god, my mouth is on fire! My lips, my tongue are screaming at me very clearly: “STOP EATING THIS FUCKING FRUIT YOU HIPPIE MANIAC.”  Just because this fruit exists in the market doesn’t mean you need to keep eating it until you force yourself to like it. Good grief. Maybe the point of this fruit is to START A GODDAMN FIRE IN THE COMPOST BIN.  Okay, pull it together. Brush your teeth. Just scrub a dub dub and this will all be behind you. So now I’m brushing and brushing and brushing. It’s still burning and burning and burning. It’s not getting better. I want this to stooooooop. What else can I try to stop this?

Okay, Laura. You have half a bar of chocolate, just eat that and you’ll feel better. Mmmm, chocolate. Fixes everything, right? Then why is BURNING MORE. Why is it burning more?!?! What is this demon fruit?! It fooled me! It’s so pretty, with its rosy pink and gold coloring. Not to mention, the world’s most delicious nut is growing alongside it. How can this fruit be creating my own personal fiery hell in my mouth?! And worse yet, the chocolate can’t save me!!

What other food do I have?! I have a fig bar. Okay, keep calm. An organic whole grain fig bar will fix everything that chocolate doesn’t fix.  I take my first bite.

I feel like little teeny needles of fire are digging into my lips with each tentative nibble I take. It hurts to take a bite, but I’m out of other potential foods to get rid of this sensation. I decide to just keep eating it and maybe it will eventually go beyond increasing my pain and reach a more comfortable state. Hm, this is unlikely but I can’t think of anything else to do.

The nurse in me starts to think… Maybe this is an allergic reaction.  My lips and tongue hurt so bad, and I feel like they might start swelling.  I run to the mirror, looking for any other signs of an allergic reaction.  No rash. Only a small amount of swelling at the corner of my mouth.The ER nurse in me says, “Take a Benadryl and lay down. Suck it up. You’ll be fine in the morning.”  The naughty nurse in me says, “Yeah, Benadryl is okay, but that bottle of Botran rum is probably the best thing for pain right now.”  I decide to listen to both of the inner voices.  Benadryl washed down with some run.  This was not how my Friday night was supposed to end.  It was supposed to be fruity bliss, but it was really fruity, fiery hell.

UPDATE:  My lips still burned like hell the next morning, and they eventually peeled a few days later.